Beautiful Tragedy

Inevitable

2010-01-12T11:12:00.003-05:00

"You may be able to choose how you play your part in the story, but you'll never be able to choose the ending"- me

I'm 21 years old.

I live alone and work overnights, the sun hurts my eyes now and I relish the act of dreaming of a better world while the 9 to 5ers slave away.

Every day off I have I spend losing my control, indulging in things that make me look at the world in a different perspective. Sometimes these things are dangerous, but it's a risk I love to take.

In early september I feared pregnancy; a lasting reminder of someone I wanted to forget. Thankfully that wasn't the case and I was able to be glad that I have no physical memories of him.

My boyfriend (since September) is charismatic and in love with my poison. He takes the warnings I give him and loves me anyway, caressing the ragged edges of my soul and trying to unlock the heart I sealed away after the last mistake.

I've lost over 30lbs since September. Anger fueled this process, MDMA and water gave it momentum.

In November, I got my second tattoo and chopped off my long hair. I've never had so many superficial compliments before and I'm letting every one of them go to my head.

In December I exploited a boy, used him for money and gave him nothing in return. Emotions and my capacity to care has had the volumne turned down, and I relish the act of selfishness that I can impose. These people never ask for anything, well aware of the fire burning in my eyes.

Christmas eve, up north, I spent the night mellowed by Morphine that I purchased from a shady lady by the name of Talia. The beat of the music becoming my pulse, my train of thought.

I got jumped outside work a few weeks ago. He may have bruised my face, but I broke his arm. He got charged with assault. I gained respect.

I hit the waterfall a few days before New year's, and it K.O'd my sanity. I feared I had lost my mind forever, but what a ride. My heart was beating so hard that it felt like there was no room for air. I kept quiet because I knew if I opened my mouth, I'd start screaming and never stop.

A girl has fallen in love with me, and I feel no need to discourage it. When someone loves you, they will willing give you a apart of themselves with which you can do whatever you like. Having her under my enchantment may prove useful in the end.

A week ago, after a few weeks of testing, I found out that I have damaged my lungs. The doctor tells me I have to quit smoking if I ever want to see 30, but who wants to live that long and not have any fun? Every puff hurts my lungs, but the pain reminds me that I am still human.

"Life is worth these moments of lost control"- me
I can't help but be drawn to acts of self-mutilation (in the non-physical sense) where I can strip away a layer of myself and see what's inside. How can you ever truly know yourself without peeling away the superficial layers. I'd rather die with a few scars than not having ever done anything.

These things that I've done make up who I am, they are my life, my choices. They are not "good" but neither am I, and I am happy to be who I am. Within every tragedy there is some beauty, some reason.

This is my life and I'll live it until I die.

If it takes dying...

2009-12-02T05:21:00.002-05:00

Beauty is not unattainable;
It's something to cultivate, to wield as a weapon.
With beauty you can do anything, you can achieve a level of satisfaction beyond any other.

This is a broken world fueled by anger and self-preservation; This is my world, I was born of it and it is how I live. I will survive because I know the truth, a truth that most people shy away from. They can survive to, if they stop to realize how the system works.
There is something poetic in a beauty driven by vengence. It's real, something that doesn't whisper and then wane.

With this power, you must be willing to wield it. Against enemies, strangers, even friends- should the need arise. There is no holding back, no second-chances.No one will care who you really are if the spell you cast on them is strong, charm them, break hearts and always leave them guessing.

Beauty is Nirvana, it is the way in which the world works- in it's cruelties and it's kindness. When you decide to take it up, nothing and no one can stop you.

and if it takes dying to get there, so be it, I'll get there.

Settling down

2009-11-24T20:33:00.002-05:00

A very close friend of mine that I've known for six years is going to be a mother. This has rightfully shocked my brain into realizing that I have now entered the age bracket that is suppose to be settling down, and yet, all I can think of was my pregnancy scare this September and how glad I was when my suspicions were dashed.

It's just an odd day, especially since before her decision to tip me off about her breeding, I thought of Rob. This guy I met once that had gone out with a friend many years ago. Rob killed himself last year because he thought he had hurt someone he cared about, when in all reality she just passed out. It only hit me now that this was a living, breathing person that I had come in contact with once... and now he's gone. It's just an odd sensation.

Time to go out for a long hike before work and have a few smokes and think over these matters.

It's a cold goodbye

2009-11-20T14:09:00.002-05:00

A few months ago, there would have been a friendship that could have been salvaged, but the choices that were made has set that possibility further and further into the "improbable" state.

Now, I'm tired of holding a place open for them, especially since now that I look at the old situation and realize that they were anything but good for me. Thankfully I have a considerate boyfriend who allowed me to hold on to those things without forcing me to let go, but now I know that it's time.

Every file, every photo...
Every word, and every tear...
Gone.

I am happy now, and I feel so relieved that they didn't bring me down with them. So many opportunities opened up to me since their abandonment and I had the opportunity to do things for myself because I wanted to, without having to consult anyone.

With everything gone, soon my memories will follow and it will be as if it never was and though I dislike having regrets, I will admit that of everything I could hate for what it's done, it would be him. So with that, here it is, this is my goodbye.

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In other news: I'm going to purge this Blog within the week and start afresh, plus you'll find a second blog devoted solely to the crazy antics that ensue from overnight work.